Children that do not listen are exhibiting a challenge to authority rather than a listening problem. Get through to your child with the assistance of a licensed psychologist in this free video.
…When promises, pleading and threats no longer work, yelling can feel like the only option. Especially if time is short, behaviors are out of bounds, and big power struggles break out yelling becomes the go to way to get kids to start listening.
The problem is that yelling at kids really doesn’t help them focus on what you want them to do. Katie Hurley, parenting educator explains why this backfires:
Click here for the original article: http://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/how-to-get-kids-to-listen-without-yelling/
Many people think of ADHD as a disorder of attention or lack thereof. This is the traditional view of ADHD. But ADHD is much more complex. It involves issues with executive functioning, a set of cognitive skills, which has far-reaching effects.
In his comprehensive and excellent book Mindful Parenting for ADHD: A Guide to Cultivating Calm, Reducing Stress & Helping Children Thrive, developmental behavioral pediatrician Mark Bertin, MD, likens ADHD to an iceberg.
Above the water, people see poor focus, impulsivity and other noticeable symptoms. However, below the surface are a slew of issues caused by impaired executive function (which Bertin calls “an inefficient, off-task brain manager”).
Understanding the role of executive function in ADHD is critical for parents, so they can find the right tools to address their child’s ADHD. Plus, what may look like deliberate misbehaving may be an issue with ADHD, a symptom that requires a different solution.
And if you’re an adult with ADHD, learning about the underlying issues can help you better understand yourself and find strategies that actually work — versus trying harder, which doesn’t.
It helps to think of executive function as involving six skills. In Mindful Parenting for ADHD, Dr. Bertin models this idea after an outline from ADHD expert Thomas E. Brown. The categories are:
ADHD isn’t an inability to pay attention. ADHD makes it harder to manage your attention. According to Bertin, “It leads to trouble focusing when demands rise, being overly focused when intensely engaged, and difficulty shifting attention.”
For instance, in noisy settings, kids with ADHD can lose the details of a conversation, feel overwhelmed and shut down (or act out). It’s also common for kids with ADHD to be so engrossed in an activity that they won’t register anything you say to them during that time.
This is the “ability to monitor your own physical activity and behavior,” Bertin writes. Delays in this type of executive function can lead to fidgeting, hyperactivity and impulsiveness.
It also can take longer to learn from mistakes, which requires being aware of the details and consequences of your actions. And it can cause motor delays, poor coordination and problems with handwriting.
This includes organizing, planning, prioritizing and managing time. As kids get older, it’s task management (and not attention) that tends to become the most problematic.
Also, “Unlike some ADHD-related difficulties, task management doesn’t respond robustly to medication,” Bertin writes. This means that it’s important to teach your kids strategies for getting organized.
People with ADHD can have poor working memory. “Working memory is the capacity to manage the voluminous information we encounter in the world and integrate it with what we know,” Bertin writes. We need to be able to temporarily hold information for everything from conversations to reading to writing.
This explains why your child may not follow through when you give them a series of requests. They simply lose the details. What can help is to write a list for your child, or give them a shorter list of verbal instructions.
Kids with ADHD tend to be more emotionally reactive. They get upset and frustrated faster than others. But that’s because they may not have the ability to control their emotions and instead react right away.
Individuals with ADHD have difficulty sustaining effort. It isn’t that they don’t value work or aren’t motivated, but they may run out of steam. Some kids with ADHD also may not work as quickly or efficiently.
Trying to push them can backfire. “For many kids with ADHD, external pressure may decrease productivity …Stress decreases cognitive efficiency, making it harder to solve problems and make choices,” Bertin writes. This can include tasks such as leaving the house and taking tests.
Bertin features a list of other signs in Mindful Parenting for ADHD because many ADHD symptoms involve several parts of executive function. For instance, kids with ADHD tend to struggle with maintaining routines, and parents might need to help them manage these routines longer than other kids.
Kids with ADHD also have inconsistent performance. This leads to a common myth: If you just try harder, you’ll do better. However, as Bertin notes, “Their inconsistency is their ADHD. If they could succeed more often, they would.”
Managing time is another issue. For instance, individuals with ADHD may not initially see all the steps that are required for a project, thereby taking a whole lot more time. They may underestimate how long a task will take (“I’ll watch the movie tonight and write my paper before the bus tomorrow”). They may not track their time accurately or prioritize effectively (playing until it’s too late to do homework).
In addition, people with ADHD often have a hard time finishing what they start. Kids may rarely put things away, leaving cabinets open and leaving their toys and clothes all over the house.
ADHD is complex and disruptions in executive functioning affect all areas of a person’s life. But this doesn’t mean that you or your child is doomed. Rather, by learning more about how ADHD really works, you can find specific strategies to address each challenge.
And thankfully there are many tools to pick from. You can start by typing in “strategies for ADHD” in the search bar on Psych Central and checking out Bertin’s valuable book.
Imagine a company is going through some economic challenges and it comes to the point that the only way to survive is to make some immediate changes. So the Chief Executive Officer gets all the ten managers together for a meeting. You happen to be one of the managers.
One by one, he comes down the line asking what could be done to have this company, and by extension jobs saved. After the ninth manager, here comes your turn. With all eyes on you, the question is asked: “What can we do to save this company and your job?”
With a confident smile on your face you blurt out: “I have absolutely no idea!”
Now, if you were the last one that the company was depending on to come up with a good idea, then, there goes the jobs and the many lives depending on the employee.
Hi, my name is Allick, and I’m the Behaviourist Buy, and today I want to talk about actively thinking about the needs of the family as it pertains to building a stronger, better team.
So what are we talking about here?
There comes a time, when a parent, husband or wife, need to reflect on the direction the family is heading, and what can be done to ensure the family see the success it deserves.
Now this approach of becoming a reflective practitioner can help solve most, if not all major problems a family may have. The following are some steps you can take to help you become more reflective of issues affecting the family and how to solve them:
Step 1: Identifying the problem.
An adult may say to a child: “You never listen to me when I say go cleanup your room.” And this is normally followed by some kind of argument, back and forth. Now, most times the conflict would have been averted if the adult had said something differently. What I mean here is that if the adult was more specific in what the child appears to not be doing, this may reduce the chance of a conflict escalating.
So the next time you are having a disagreement with your child, try to be specific. For example, if you want them to cleanup their room, let them know what is to be done. So we are looking at things like remove clothing and books from the floor and pack them in their respective cupboards, dust writing desk, place shoes under bed, side by side in a straight line.
Step 2: Try to see the problem as though you were the other person.
This means, that you must walk in their shoes, as it were. That would mean, that you look at the named issue, and try to see if it would really be considered a problem for all persons.
Let say, again, it has to do with cleaning up their room after playtime. You as the adult may look at the entire room and say it is untidy. But, could you see, that for a child, it may be that they can still get to bed and sleep; at least if they arch their body just right, they can actually fall asleep between the rubble. And, that is a reason why they may not see an untidy room as a problem.
Step 3: Think in terms that the child may not be previously aware of the behaviour we are calling to their attention.
The child may see for instance the room with a number of stuff thrown about, but a question that could be ask is: Are they aware of the reasons for keeping their room clean? Don’t take for granted that they know.
Because they are 10 years old or 12 years old or because they are teenagers?
Sometimes what can happen is that we look at the child’s physical structure and make a determination, that cognitively or their ability to reason, should be commensurate with how they look. And that’s, not always the way to determine knowledge.
Step 4: How could I modified the child’s behavior?
It is often stated that a picture can paint 1000 words. This means that at times you may have to show them a picture of what behaviours you are expecting them to engage.
Video content is something that can keep the interest of a child. So it may be that you show them someone engaging in the behavior you want them to also engage in.
At times you may have to tell a story from your experience. For example, when you found as a child a scorpion in your untidy room (or something else with a little shock factor). Let them know how you felt scared and what you decided to do after that experience (hopefully it was to start keeping your room tidy!).
You may need to also build, or purchase cupboards for them to pack away their stuff. Also, teach your children how to label sections of the room, so that they will know exactly what goes where.
Step 5: Think about whether you are showing reasonableness or patients.
Sometimes you may want a particular behavior to stop immediately. Fidgeting for instance or speaking out of turn might be one of them.
Or once more, for them to clean up their room.
But it is important to think about the age group of the child, and the length of time they may have taken to develop this unwanted behaviour. As such, it may also take some time to reverse, or learn different behaviours; or the more positive ones.
It is important to note that there are some behaviors that are simply age specific. And so, more than likely, with proper guidance or appropriate discipline, the child will grow out of this unwanted behaviour. Please understand that this will also take time, patients and reasonableness on your part as the adult. In so doing, you will help the child to successfully navigate through this time.
So, you are a good manager, who can come up with how to solve family problems. Especially with how you interact with a child when there is a perceived problem. Follow these five steps and you’ll be fine.
Well, that’s all for now. This is Allick. Hope you learned something.
See you next time.
Child abuse is the mistreatment of a child or young person under the age of what is considered to be an adult. In a number of countries a person might be considered a minor if they are under the age of 18.
Hi, my name is Allick, and I’m The Behaviourist Guy, and today I want to talk about physical child abuse.
Physical child abuse seems to be all over the news these days.
I want you to imagine this story, and I am telling you this because when you hear of it you can make your own judgment.
So it goes like this, a boy’s father looks through the window and see his son forcing the face of his pet dog into a puddle of water to drink. His son is about eight years old, the dog is a puppy just a couple months older. In the child’s mind, this seems to be no malice. He simply wants his dog to drink the water, because he thinks it is thirsty.
His father runs out of the house after witnessing what was happening outside.
Pulls the puppy away from his sons hand and drags the boy by his shirt collar. He shakes him a couple times. Then ask, “What is wrong with you, are you stupid?”
The boy dropped his chin. The father, not getting an answer pulls his son back to the area where the puddle of water was and pushes his son’s head into the water, as he screams at him, “Why don’t you drink, you want to drink now, don’t you?”
Do you think the father was being physically abusive to the child?
Now, some persons may say, the father is simply punishing his son for doing a bad deed. They may even see it as a form of discipline.
So while physical abuse may be seen as hitting, punching, kicking, shaking, not all people will agree with these being physical abuse. A matter of fact, some people accept some of these as normal or acceptable part of child rearing.
“Surveys of parents for example, show that 90% use physical punishment on their children,” states the book Family Violence Across the Lifespan.
Murray Straus, he died in 2016, was a professor of sociology and he said: “Spanking is harmful for two reasons. First, it legitimizes violence… Condoning the use of violence as a way to deal with frustration and settle disputes. Second, the implicit message of acceptance contributes to violence in other aspects of society.” He called this a “cultural spillover”.
Research supports this perspective that spanking is positively correlated to “forms of family violence, including sibling abuse and spouse assault”.
While official estimates indicate that child physical abuse is increasing, in a number of countries, there is a lack of definitional consensus.
Characteristics Of Victims
Age: research findings suggest that a little over 50% of all physical child abuse takes place when the child is between 0 to 5 years old.
Gender: research findings are mixed with some showing a 50% for both males and 50% for females.
Consequences Of Physical Child Abuse
Children who experience physical child abuse often present with medical complications such as injuries to the hand and legs, even head and abdomen.
And then there is a number of behavioral problems such as aggression, fighting at schools and on the streets. These behavioral problems might even manifest themselves in noncompliance to authority, oppositional defiance or conduct disorder and in some cases may lead to antisocial personality disorder.
And there might be a number of cognitive difficulties as well, where, because of feeling of inadequacy, the child may not be motivated to engage school task. As such, areas such as mathematics and language skills might be deficit.
What You Can Do.
Many times a child may come to you and disclose that they are physically abused, other times it will be evident by means of their behaviors. Once they come to you it is important that you believe the child. This is not a time to second-guess whether or not the child was actually physically abused. But in believing the child, you place yourself in a better position to now listen to what the child has to say to you. And that places you in a better position to offer help.
Another thing you want to do is to be as calm as possible. Sometimes a child may role play or draw a picture depicting the physical violence or physical abuse and it may be upsetting, but try to be as calm as possible. The reason is, if you display shock, panic or disbelief, the child may close in and not continue telling you what happened.
Also, do not be afraid to report all cases of physical child abuse as the relevant authority will determine whether or not the child was actually abused. In a number of situations, reporting physical child abuse to the police, health centers and hospitals, may not even require you leaving your name or a telephone contact.
So let’s protect our children